Being assertive does not necessarily translate into effective conflict resolution, says Andrena Sawyer, and particularly when it comes to women

Relationships are an essential part of life. Yet, this most basic need of all human kind—the need for companionship, accountability, and camaraderie—also provides the easiest trap for assertive women.

This becomes even more challenging in a relationship with non-assertive people. The presumption is that the assertive woman will either create the necessary balance in the relationship, or she will dominate the other person. The opportunity to do both arises often, and it is up to the assertive woman to promote harmony. One of the best ways to demonstrate the choice to do so is in conflict resolution. 

In any relationship, conflict is inevitable. In fact, when managed and resolved in a healthy way, conflict can be constructive, and even valuable. Conflict can not only highlight an individual’s strengths and skills, but also shows areas that need improvement. When directed appropriately, conflict creates an opportunity to provide solutions to existing problems.

The disadvantage however, is that poor conflict resolution and coping skills can lead to further frustration, and damaged relationships. For women who are unsure about whether they are truly assertive, the way in which they handle conflict is incredibly telling.

There are four ways that individuals typically manage conflict: passively, passive aggressively, aggressively, and assertively. Passive conflict resolution style is characterized by a desire to avoid offending others by any means necessary. In an effort to promote harmony in her relationship, a passive woman will suppress her wants and needs in favour of pleasing others. While there appears to be balance in the relationship, the passive woman will start to be resentful and thus begins the end of what would otherwise be a healthy relationship.

Passive-aggressive conflict resolution style is a fairly new recognized style that is best characterized by the expression of aggressive behaviour in a passive or indirect manner. Passive aggressive behaviour may manifest itself by procrastination, sulking, or reluctance to commit or explain rationale. Individuals who utilize this conflict resolution style may feel helpless until they reach a breaking point. They will then resort to a vicious outburst or vindictive behaviour.

The third conflict resolution style is the aggressive style. In conflict, the tendency to want to be heard by any means necessary may lead to the use of aggressive and intimidating tactics. Individuals who employ this style often believe that they hold the right view, and will push others around to get their way. Of course, the advantage of this conflict resolution style is that others will be intimidated or frustrated into letting the aggressive person get her way. However, the offended person will ultimately find a way to retaliate through confrontation or avoidance.

The last conflict resolution style is the recommended alternative. The assertive conflict resolution style is characterized by the belief that everyone, including self, has the right to express her views without offending, rejecting or minimizing another. This style attempts to objectively look at an issue and possible solutions that will not minimize or anger another. Unlike the passive style that compromises the individual’s needs, the assertive style allows the person to feel empowered in speaking up for herself.

Contrary to the obvious assumption, assertive women do not naturally employ assertive conflict resolution skills. Like anything else, it requires practice and intentionality. When dealing with non-assertive people, it is highly recommended that the assertive woman stays true to the real definition of assertiveness. It is important not to appear condescending or hostile. In order for the relationship to work, each person’s value should be acknowledged and emphasized.