Happy New Year!

The last three weeks of 2013 were dominated by the passing of former President Mandela and the deluge of tributes and commentary about one of the founding fathers of modern South Africa.

Like millions of Africans around the world witnessing the events surrounding his passing and burial, I veered between pride at his many accomplishments, relief that he was at peace and no longer in pain, and a profound sense of loss.

Yet, again and again, I found myself asking the same question: ‘What was it that made this man so special?’

We have seen inspiring politicians before, we have heard from wise African leaders before, we have witnessed adversity to triumph stories before.  So what is it that placed Nelson Mandela so high in our hearts and in our minds that when the news of his passing was announced world leaders stopped their politics, UN Security Council members stopped their speeches, sportsmen stopped their playing and, however prepared we thought we were for the news, in those first moments our hearts stopped their beating.

Madiba’s life offers so many lessons to us in our own lives that it’s incredible to accept that that they all stem from one man.  But, to answer my own question, it became clearer to me as I listened to the many commentators and heard the tributes read, that the key message that came through over and over again was Nelson Mandela’s ability to forgive.

Which leaves me wondering; is the desire for revenge so deeply ingrained in our human psyche that the ability to forgive can be so revered?

We certainly think and speak about forgiveness as something that is difficult to do; even when people suggest that one should forgive, there’s often the warning caveat, ‘forgive, yes, but never forget!’

Of course, it can be very hard to forgive someone for doing something hurtful to us and, indeed, the immediate urge to fight or strike back is a natural reflex and response to a perceived threat.

But what about when the immediate danger has passed? At that point, it strikes me that holding on to blame and bitterness is a far tougher exercise.  To be continually seeking the opportunity to strike back or inflict revenge takes up a lot of time, saps our energy and makes us sick – and usually without making a single dent on the consciousness of the person on our revenge radar.

I’m reminded of my teenage daughter’s ongoing grudge match against her once best friend; a friendship that came to an abrupt end on her part when the young man locked her in the Wendy house in the school playground.  The fact that this incident happened seven years ago when she was six years old and that she was only in the Wendy house for a few minutes before she was discovered and released by her teacher, is neither here nor there, as far as she is concerned.  She has decided that she will never forgive him for scaring her because he needs to suffer as well.  Again, the fact that they now go to different schools and that he has no idea that he has been struck off her friendship list makes no difference; she has decided she will not forgive him.

So when I read Mandela’s words that “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies,” I have to admit that he has a point.  I can only hope that, in time, Daughter 2 comes to understand this too and finds a way to rise above her desire for retribution.

I remember hearing Oprah Winfrey talk about the moment she realised that someone she had been harbouring a grudge against for years had absolutely no idea that she was out of favour. Oprah was incredulous that this person whom she had brooded about for so long and thought she was punishing by excluding them from her life, had been merrily living their own life during that time without a care in the world.

So how does holding onto grudges make any sense, especially when we’re the only ones hurting?

Nelson Mandela was the first to insist that he was no saint.  He was, however, an extremely intelligent and thoughtful man and the years spent in prison, he said, had afforded him the time to learn to know himself and to think, rather than simply react. “Thinking is one of the most important weapons in dealing with problems” he once said in an interview. When he decided to forgive his jailors and detractors, he did so because it was the intelligent thing to do in the circumstances.

Forgiveness is not an emotion, it is a decision.  While you will never forget the feelings of being imprisoned, whether as a six year old girl for a few minutes in a wooden Wendy house or as a 72 year old man for 27 years in a cell, you do get to decide what you do with those feelings.

What Madiba understood so well was that holding onto feelings of revenge and bitterness would have kept him imprisoned by his captors long after his physical release. Taking the decision to forgive them was making the decision to free himself.

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom,” he said, “I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”

But deciding to let go is an exercise in courage.  Deciding not to play the blame game, but to move on, calls for the ability to play the long game and not indulge in short-term recriminations.  It demands the discipline to focus on your objective, on what really matters, and not be distracted as your ego seeks acknowledgement for the hurt and validation for holding on to it.  It requires not harbouring a special piece of bitterness in your heart for someone or something that has caused you pain.

A lot has been said about the legacy of the great man. But as we start a new year, what better time and what better way can we acknowledge his life and live his legacy than to free ourselves by letting go of the anger, negativity and fear that hurts only us and by taking intelligent, reflective decisions rather than making instinctive, reflexive choices.

President Jacob Zuma described Madiba as a man who “combined theory with practice”.  For while we can acknowledge intellectually the importance of forgiveness and letting go, believing it and living it is a challenge to us all.

And that’s what made Nelson Mandela such an extraordinary human being.

Author of 'Everyday Heroes – Learning from the Careers of Successful Black Professionals'. Available online from www.everyday-heroes.co.uk and on order through booksellers. ISBN 978-0-9569175-0-8