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It’s back! On 8th March, women of the world will once again unite to celebrate International Women’s Day and use the day to applaud our successes and chafe at our constraints.

It’s also the time of year when surveys about women abound. One study that caught my eye highlighted an issue I come across frequently with my coaching clients; how we women, to generalise, are not the greatest when it comes to negotiating, especially when it’s for ourselves.

While I like to think it’s because we are intrinsically more modest than our male counterparts and therefore less demanding, what I often see is that women are more likely to underestimate their value and therefore think ‘smaller’ than the stereotypical male. Whatever the reason, it’s clearly not doing us any favours.

Gender Gap or Gender Chasm?

Let’s come back to those surveys. If you’re a woman working in education, it may not come as a surprise that according to data published by Ipsos, 45 percent of people in Great Britain believe discrimination against women in education will have ended by (take a deep breath) 2039. It’s fair to conclude that at the current rate of change it will take decades to achieve gender equity, not only in employment but at every stage through the course of our lives.

What happens to our voice when we need to champion our own cause? Why do we hear ‘boastful’ in our heads when a typical male hears ‘confident’ in his?

Even when women reach the top echelons of business – those coveted Non-Executive Director roles – it seems that we don’t stand up for our equal pay rights. According to recent research, while there has been progress in the representation of women on Europe’s boards, the gender pay gap has widened further year-on-year.

Finding Our Voice

While women are doing better at calling out discrimination, when it comes to self-advocacy, for too many of us something goes wrong.

Which leads me to question what happens to our voice when we need to champion our own cause? When we are stating our achievements, why do so many of us hear ‘boastful’ in our heads where a typical male hears ‘confident’ in his? Why are we so keen not to overstate our experience and abilities when our male counterparts are equally determined not to understate theirs?

The facts don’t lie. Multiple studies show that women are far less likely to negotiate a higher initial salary offer than men. Our reluctance to negotiate says less about a lack of ambition and more about a feared backlash due to unconscious bias, both on our part and on the part of others. Not only do the guys not like us when we sound pushy, it turns out that neither do we. How a woman negotiates can not only impact negatively on her image, but it can also prove counterproductive. The conclusions offered by studies show that women who negotiate are considered pushy and less likable and, in some cases, those women are less likely to be offered jobs as a result.

Damned if we do and shafted if we don’t; what’s woman to do? A surprising strategy for reducing the gender pay gap may lie in a simple solution: a smile. According to a study by Carnegie Mellon’s Professor Babcock, when men and women asked for a pay rise using identical scripts, people liked the men’s style, while the women were branded as aggressive. That perception changed if a woman gave a smile or acted warm and friendly. The irony of having to conform to a feminine stereotype to get equivalent financial treatment to a man is quite breathtaking, but nothing new to our sisters in the corporate world.

Keep Smiling

“The data shows that men are able to negotiate for themselves without facing any negative consequences, but when women negotiate, people often like them less and want to work with them less,” says Sheryl Sandberg, in ‘Lean In’, her book about women and leadership. “Even if women haven’t studied this or seen this data, they often implicitly understand this, so they hold back.”

In an interview with New York Times reporter, Nicholas Kristof, Sandberg says: “We hold ourselves back in ways both big and small; by lacking self-confidence, by not raising our hands, and by pulling back when we should be leaning in. We internalize the negative messages we get throughout our lives, the messages that say it’s wrong to be outspoken, aggressive, more powerful than men. We lower our own expectations of what we can achieve. We continue to do the majority of the housework and childcare. We compromise our career goals to make room for partners and children who may not even exist yet.”

So, while the rules may not be fair, says Sandberg, understanding the dynamics of the game will help you win.

Coaching women in negotiation skills is part of the answer. As is training that helps women tackle their fears during the negotiation process and offers strategies for overcoming them. What also helps is when women understand their worth on the market. Tactics like avoiding naming a salary figure first, and instead providing a salary range rather than a specific number, if pushed. Like not offering information about the salary from their last job unless explicitly asked and using terms like “initial offer” to keep the door open, and most importantly, perhaps, never agreeing to an offer immediately.

Onwards and Upwards

So, as we celebrate our progress as women, let’s not waste time on fruitless griping. Instead, let’s go forward in sisterhood to start negotiating harder, tougher, and better – and all with a smile on our face.

Founder & Managing Editor, ReConnect Africa

*Adapted from an earlier article