Dear Career Coach

I have been described as quiet and not very assertive at work and I know this is holding me back from bigger roles and responsibilities. I’ve always been quite a shy person but I need to change this if I am ever going to progress in my career. Help, please!

Shyness can be an attractive quality in a social context but, as you are discovering, it does you no favours in a competitive workplace and if you do want to progress, it’s important that you think about how you can overcome your natural desire to stand back and instead find ways to be noticed.

People are shy for a number of reasons but it is often due to a lack of confidence, either in yourself or in your knowledge. We are often, quite rightly, reluctant to say much if we are not sure of our facts or if we have not prepared sufficiently for a meeting or discussion. The result of this can lead to hesitancy to contribute for fear of looking foolish. If you do know your stuff, however, an unwillingness to be assertive and to hold your own means that in group discussions or brainstorming sessions, your ideas will go unvoiced or others will take the credit for them, knowing you won’t speak up.

Being assertive doesn’t mean being loud and aggressive; it does mean being able to convey your opinions, thoughts, needs and feelings honestly and directly. It means having the ability to state your position calmly and clearly and without having to offend someone; if you disagree with something, you should be able to communicate that in a respectful way.

If you feel that your lack of contribution is more likely due to a lack of confidence, you may want to consider some training in assertiveness skills to help you express yourself confidently and with impact. Taking a passive role in meetings may also be because you do not believe you have the right to assert yourself or feel comfortable doing so. It may be that you have been brought up to feel that your needs are not important enough to make a fuss about and that you should put others first. Alternatively, it may be that you feel that it is too difficult to be assertive or that it is much easier to let others make all the decisions.

Practice using sentences that sound more assertive and can help you get your point across in meetings. Be prepared to ‘own’ your point of view by preparing evidence and facts to support your opinions and recommendations. You can also practice giving positive feedback to other people’s opinions when they are different to yours. Instead of using ‘but’, use phrases such as ‘that’s an interesting point that x made. I think it’s also worth considering that ………’ or ‘That’s a good point. I would add to that by suggesting that…’

During meetings, ask questions to help yourself and others gain more clarity – you’d be surprised how many people feel as confused as you, but are better at hiding it!

Taken to an extreme, you lack of assertiveness will lead to you feeling invisible which can lead to low self-esteem, anger and even depression. At work, it could also result in a loss of respect for you or people failing to see you as management material as you are unable to articulate your opinions and views.

The mind is an incredibly powerful machine and you can learn to de-program your shyness and negative self-talk by focusing instead on what you can contribute and projecting that positively and assertively. If you want to be an effective communicator who can share ideas and influence others and you want to reach the heights you deserve in your career, don’t let shyness hold you back.

All the best!